[Featured Article] Married by society, divorced at 23

A piece by Conita Adams


I was 20 when I got married. I was divorced at 23.

I had his children before we got married and wanted my girls to not be condemned by society as “bastards.” I loved him, oh how I loved him. He was my rescuer, but him not coming to the hospital after my suicide attempt should have been a red flag that I could not count on him.

But that is a story for another day.

“Get married!” the world said, it’s the right thing to do. I thought this was my way to have the perfect fairytale life with my husband and kids because society said this is what is supposed to be done – but left me clouded and blind to my reality.

Reality was I married a wannabe rapper whose main concern was how he was gonna get his next bag of weed.

Reality was that the only support he ever gave was a firm klap to my face.

The reality was that the only food he provided was my daughter’s porridge being thrown into my face and then being told to whipe my face as it looked like someone came all over it.

(Good times), still… I didn’t see this and my selfworth became a mirror image of his words and actions.

I still continued to believe in the fairytale.

It took many back and forth, ‘let’s work this thing through because once again because “society” says we shouldn’t give up on our marriage’ moments for me to eventually have the blindfold lifted from my eyes.

I soon entered into another relationship, still legally married but separated… and this guy ooooooooh he ticked off every box on society’s list.

Again the robot voice inside my head said “This is right, the world sees this as right so he must be right.”

But he too was abusive.

I went back to my husband. This time with a fresh set of doe eyes…

This lasted about one month… one month of WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE?? AM I INSANE??

It was after I was told my P*** just for lumming… I filed for divorce.

You see this time my mind was clouded and blinded by a different blindfold and I no longer succumbed to the old pressures of society. I was older and now society said my man needed to have a car, a house, a “regular job” and must look like he sluks steroids, while studying for his PHD, etc etc etc.

I was rid of this thorn, and met a new guy.

I was hopeful… but this new stud muffin lied about everything. I don’t know why I didn’t see this when he told everyone at the company we both used to work at that he was leaving to go to a law firm, kaantie benaantie he went to a call centre.

He used to buy me clothes. Sweet ne? NO! He wanted me to look a certain way and hid some of my clothes that did not meet his approval. This relationship had the promise of marriage without the ring and I am glad it ended soon after he lifted me above his head into a choke hold.

And through it all, I still had to raise my twin girls on my own.

My idea of marriage was an ‘end result’. I did not see the in-betweens. The moment I started seeing that it was what was in between that counted the most, did I find true happiness.

Where am I now?

I am not married. I live with my boyfriend (a new guy).

He does not have a “regular job” (he is an independent artist), he is nothing society deems as acceptable. He is more…

He works all day and night and still lets me sleep in. He brushes my daughters’ hair (and fails lol), he reads them stories at night, he cooks for us when I just don’t have the energy, he supports my dreams and never asks me to be anything other than myself… I do see myself getting married to him but I am in no rush.

Society can wait…

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